I'm finding myself to be changing. Or perhaps I'm just becoming who I always thought I would be, but always kind of never wanted to be.

I'm catching myself thinking thoughts such as, "That person is immature," and, "they need to grow up already."

I am sad.

I am jealous.

I miss the days of high school when we would all skip school and just stay at Steph's house all day, doing nothing. I miss being that carefree. I miss the excited feeling of sneaking into Josh's house at two 'o clock in the morning, just so he could hold me. I miss having fun with my friends, back when we didn't need alcohol to stand each other.

There is a line. The graduates and the non. We are irrevocably separated and replaced by our similars. I do not need to wonder why, because I know. And it is heartbreaking because this was supposed to be forever. But like so many other things, it was only high school.

They are merely acquaintances that we know everything about.
It's fallen apart.
Sometimes I actually wish to hang out with Amanda, Doug, and Kaitlyn again. The four of us. Crazy, right? All that pain and hurt and jealousy and betrayal, because at one point, at one small second, we all loved each other equally. I know we did, we had to.

88 weeks ago...about a year and a half ago.

Obsessed with my best friend, lonely, tired, crying all the time. Depressed as all can be. 


People can change. People can change people. Love and life and friendship and fate exists. 

Thank God for you. 

My brother has offered to buy me alcohol since my not-so-cool-over-21 other brother doesn't drink. My question to Brandon was:

"So you're admitting that you drink?"

He only shrugged and said, "I'm just saying that I'm legal."

"Whatever. Don't kill yourself, you diabetic maniac."

Brandon's birthday present from Mom was a lecture about how our uncle (who also was a diabetic) died because he drank too much. Truth be told, he didn't. He died because he was a diabetic and didn't take care of himself the way he should have. You could tell that Brandon kind of knew this too, but you could also tell he appreciated his mother's care for her fresh 21 year old. My present to him was a hug and a shopping buddy as he went out and spent his money from our parents. He got Hot Shots Golf Fore (4), Unleashed, the Default CD, and the new Story of the Year CD, along with some little Megaman action figures to go with his 'colletor's items' of Ninja Turtles still in their packages and such. All this for the low low price of about $60. You just gotta love the PX.

Yet at the moment, I have an awful stomachache from cake...and more cake, and steak, and some ice cream. Yum, but ow.

http://www.fetchfido.co.uk/games/crazy-frog/axel-f.htm

 

xxxxxxxxxx
[A is for age of first kiss:]
14

[B is for booze of choice:]
Uh...um...Bakardi (that's most likely spelt wrong) because I know someone with a similar name

[C is for career:]
Student

[D is for your dad's name:]
Phil

[E is for essential items to bring to a party:]
A good personality?

[F is for favorite song at the moment:]
Evanescence - Where Will You Go?/ Evanescence - You / Seether - The Gift / All American Rejects - Straightjacket Feeling / You know, etc, etc.

[G is for favorite game:]
The Sims. (side story: Today during break, I was in the French room working on my project when the French exhange student walked in and started talking to Mrs. Thomason in French (of course). I had my back facing them, but I was cracking up because even though I could understand them ((which was pretty cool, I might add)), they sounded JUST like the Sims talking)...moving on.

[H is for hometown:]
Enterprise

[I is for instruments you play:]
My voice (ta-haha). And...gee-tar? Little bit.

[J is for jam or jelly you like:]
Smuckers Real Fruit Strawberry

[K is for kids?]
They shall be Tristan and Haley if I'm lucky. I also came up with a good middle name for Tristan...but I forgot. Damnit.

[L is for last memory?]
My little Amsterdam mishap yesterday in French. *sigh*

[M is for mom's name:]
June

[N is for name of your crush:]
I've grown a liking for Bryan Greenberg (who is an actor by the way, geez)

[O is for overnight hospital stays:]
I stayed at the hospital from...maybe 11-3 or 4 a.m. once. That's about it

[P is for phobias:]
You know, maybe I would know this if Mrs. Everhart hadn't taken my list from me that one day in 9th grade. Yes, I still remember that, and no, she never gave it back. Grr.

[Q is for quotes you like:]
Well, recent ones are:
"There are only 2 seconds of happiness for every 20 minutes of misery."
"Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to the one I need."
"Let me feel. I don't care if I break down. Let me fall. Even if I hit the ground. And even if I cry a little, die a little, at least I know I lived."

[R is for relationship that lasted the longest]:
My friendship with Amanda

[S is for sexual preference:]
Wha? I'm a girl, and I like guys. I guess that's what you're asking...?

[T is for time you wake up:]
Approximately at 6:01 a.m. Then back in bed by 6:15 a.m. Then awake again at 6:45 a.m. (my schedule was slighty modified this year)

[U is for underwear:]
Yep. It's also for unicorn, and umbrella, and utopia, and you can't forget uterus. =D

[V is for vegetable you love:]
Corn. You don't usually get a craving for corn to the point where you make it all itself...yet I do. Go figure. And potatoes.

[W is for worst habit:]
I've been told to stop doing this in class by my teachers: "Flicking" my hair.

[X is for x-rays you've had:]
Haha. Hmm. Left arm when I was 3. Right arm when I was 6. Right middle toe when I was 8. Left elbow when I was 8. And last, but not least, torso when I was 14.

[Y is for yummy food you make:]
Absolutely nothing that can't be microwaved, or doesn't have easy instructions for the stove (ex: add water and boil)

[Z is for zodiac sign:]
Pisces. Fishy beacoup.
xxxxxxxxxx

Don't forget. One Tree Hill season premiere in exactly 18 hours and 22 minutes! You know you're excited.

Hold me now, I need to feel relief
Like I have never wanted anything
I supposed I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to define

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
I'm right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now, I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me

Someone come do my French project for me...please? Pretty please?????

*sigh* I dislike Mrs. Thomason for this. She said we shouldn't have procrastinated until Homecoming weekend to do our project, but she shouldn't have scheduled for our projects to be due the Monday after Homecoming weekend. Oh, dissage. All right, I know my excuse is lame...I've known about this project since...Late August? Yep. Somewhere around there.

Oh well. Tonight sucked, then didn't, then did, and it progressed on from there. I'm such an emotional person. I go from pissed off to estatic in a heartbeat. But still...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Stupid French project. Huh. Maybe it's a good thing I have this to worry about (along with Homecoming and a certain stalkerish person, and...and, all that jazz). Maybe since I have this crap to worry about, then I won't keel over with the other stuff kept inside me right now. Go figure. School's saving my life.

Soooo...

Today I finally got some shoes for homecoming, but I'm going to Dothan tomorrow to look for some different ones, go figure. I don't know, if I decide to wear the ones I got today then a.) I'll be at least 6 feet tall and b.) I'll hear about some girl falling flat on her face at homecoming Monday morning, and then I'll find out that that girl was me. God knows I'm the clumsiest person in the world, and high heels were not invented for me.

Oh well. I also got: dun, dun dunn, the One Tree Hill Season 2 DVD. Yayness. I had to make a deal with my mom though. She said that if she bought it for me, I had to actually WANT to go to homecoming. Which of course, I said all right to. Duh. I also got Baby Bottle Pops. Well, mom got them for me because she said I'm a baby. Oh well, if it gets me candy, I shall be a baby.

Anyway, me and Amanda are going to go see Corpse Bride (late show) tonight. Shall be fun. Tata for now.

*sigh* So I'm really tired, yet I'm going to the game. I want to just bring a blanket with me or something, and hide behind the bleachers so I can sleep some. I'm really excited about 5th quarter though being since Kaitlyn's going to sing and such. Should be pretty cool, and it's nice to see her getting worked up over something other than her boy drama. Though...well, she's still getting worked up over something. Oh well, can't help that I guess. I felt kind of bad today at lunch though, because, well, I guess something's wrong with her. I asked what was wrong, and she said she wouldn't tell me until I dropped one of my problems on her first so she doesn't feel bad about complaining so much. I don't know, I've never really realized that I tend to keep my problems with things to myself. Well, actually I have, but I guess I've never noticed that other people noticed. Maybe I have...gah, I don't know. Let's just say I felt kind of surprised when she told me this. She said all I do is listen to other people complain, and never complain myself. I told her that she doesn't see me with other people. She doesn't believe me. No one believes me lately. Look it there; I'm complaining.

*SIGH*

Moving on...I keep looking at my arm and I feel really sad. Today in geometry, Chris wrote "woo hoo" on it, and it's just not right. The only people who write on me are Doug and Jacob, and they didn't do this...they wouldn't even write "woo hoo". Why? 'Cuz it's boring and pointless, that's why...it's just not right. I'm not letting anyone write on me anymore.

French was fun today, as always. I wish I had that class first or something, because it makes me be in a good mood. Then the rest of my day would be ok...well, maybe not. I don't know...Nick and Kyle's bickering is hilarious though. I love it. AND, we got suckers today. Those really good Jolly Rancher suckers. Yea. I was also asked, "Tu as un chien dans ta sac a dos?" You figure it out. I couldn't even answer the damn question I was laughing so hard.

I found 3 songs by Evanescence that I have not heard before, and God, does it make my day so much better. Well, I had an okay day in the first place (looks like I have to have about ten million grams of sugar in me to feel OK enough to stand school), but man...ah, yes, this is grand, indeed.

Mmkay then. Weekend's finally ending. Yes.

Let's see, Friday, football game. Good time, bad time, good time again, then bad time again, sleep, good dream, so good time again. Figure that one out.

On Saturday me and mom went to the mall to look for a homecoming dress. I hate trying on clothes/dresses/etc so much. It's one of the few things that makes me so depressed I feel sick. Turns out I'm back down to the size I was in sixth grade, but that doesn't mean the dresses fit all that great. Let's just say they fit everywhere else but the upest part and be done with it. Anyway, I was getting upset, so mom said we'd come back the next day.

So today we went back and I found this black dress with purple sheer over it, and it fit, but I was kind of squished and uncomfortable, so I found this other black dress. It's a halter, kind of plain, just below the knee, and not very formal. But it fits really well, and looks...right, so I got it, and I'm happy. Mostly just because I don't have to worry about this anymore. And I don't have to lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks to fit into a dress.

I'll be seeing you tomorrow I guess.

If guys had their period, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.

 

 

Indeed.

I had such a good night tonight. It took a while, but eventually I was comfortable with practically everyone, even people I didn't know, and I met someone that I stalk on the internet, which was pretty funny. I had such a good time, even though I was falling asleep half the time. I was laughing and joking around (not really at the game, but at 5th quarter). I missed Amanda being up there with us though. I tried my hardest (literally) to find her in the band, but I have now learned that is impossible. Too many hats...far too many. They make everyone kind of seem the same height. It was so confusing.

Kaitlyn had to leave early and it kind of sucked, and you know, I should've just gone home. I should've agreed with my body that it was tired and called it a night. But no. Once I got back to 5th quarter, I had called my mom to come pick me up and after I hung up, Craig and some other people came up and I was like, "Screw it, I'm staying." I shouldn't of. I really shouldn't of. God, why am I so stupid? Why can't I ever hear my mind literally screaming at me that something is wrong; that what I'm doing is wrong? How could I have been laughing and so happy, then I mess up so much, and screw up absolutely everything. I want to blame that one person so much, but how can I? I just stood there and told him, "Yea, let's do that, it's fine, it won't change anything at all for me." Like hell. God, I've never felt this depressed before, I've never screwed up this bad. Never. I haven't cried in weeks, and here I am bawling like a baby yet again over my stupid mistakes. I want to just cuddle up in bed and fall unconscious, or something, anything, that would keep this from my mind. All I want to do is hurt myself, somehow punish myself for what I've done, but where will that get me? Nowhere, I know. It would just bring more regret, even though that's all I feel right now.

I need Amanda, or Doug, or jeez, anybody right now that I can talk to. I'm afraid most of all to be alone right now...I just don't trust what I'll do, especially something I promised myself and everyone else I'd never do again. Everything I ever told myself was true. But at the moment, I didn't even care what I was doing. Of course now I do, but then, the only thought I had was, "This will make me forget." No...it hurts so much, and all I feel is that I've betrayed everyone around me, and there's nothing I can do about it. But it meant absolutely nothing to me...not one bit of anything. And I knew it wouldn't, but that still didn't stop me. This hurts so much...I don't know what to do. The only good idea to come is to change the past, and I can't do that. I can't make this go away no matter how hard I try. I have changed, I know, but I always thought it was a better change, but now I know it's not. Not at all. I don't want to be this anymore. I want to be the person who used to stand up for herself, and the person who would've stopped something like this from happeing. But I don't even know how to do that. Someone just make this stop. Please. Take this back.

Funny thing happened to me today. Me and Kaitlyn were sitting outside for lunch when a couple of juniors came up to us (Meg King, and some other girl I don't know, but she amused me anyway =)). They ask us if we're sophomores, and we say yes, so they ask, "Can we ask you a question for the school newspaper?" All right, the first thought in my head was, We have a school newspaper? But anyway, we exchange looks and say sure, why not? So they ask, "What do you think of the school?"

I say, "It's big." withing a second. Ok, a.) I don't know what I was thinking b.) I didn't think they'd actually use it. I wanted to say something meaningful, or something really funny or...God, something. But no, I said, "It's big." *sigh*

So they took my name, and my picture and said, "All right, you'll be in the next newspaper. Greeeeeaaaatttt. Once they left Kaitlyn eyed me all funny and said, ""Soooo...just how big is it Manda, hmm?" My family didn't help either. My mom said, "Well, if nobody knew you before, they will now. You'll be known as the "It's Big Girl". Jesus Christ. And yea, maybe I'm making a big deal out of this, but man, why? Why, why, WHY?

 

But yea, I had an all around good day. I was way too hyper at the pep-rally. So much so that I was screaming across the gym, trying to get Amanda's attentio in the band section...Didn't work. Me and Kaitlyn did the oompa-loompa dance with Cody, which was ammusing in itself. French class was fun. Nick kept ragging on Kyle and eventually Kyle just said, "Dude, you're going to hell." Nick replied, "No I'm not, I'm Catholic." Enter me with unstoppable laughter. I didn't and don't even get it, but I guess it was just the way he said, with that not-missing-a-beat kind of thing. Oh well.

Anyway...going to game tonight. (Whoo, go Cats.) Should be fun, they usually are. Maybe I'll see YOU there? Maybe? Possiblly? You maybe never know. (Dee da dee dee)

So i just came inside from spray painting my new (well, OK, it's really old, but new to me) bookcase...and I'm all...whoooooooooooooooooooooooooo...from painting the inside and the fumes just jutting straight back out to my face. I'm not high. I'm very light headed and I feel like I'm gonna pass out. But at least my bookcase looks snazzy and I get to it all over again tomorrow if it needs a second coat. Whee.

So, what's your name?: Amanda
Do you know why that's your name?: My mom always wanted a blond haired, blue eyed girl and she was going to name her Amanda. So came me...who was all those things as a child, but as she likes to say today, "God has his way to joke around, I guess." Which I find funny.
Do you like your name?: Not when you're walking down the hall and someone keeps going, "Amanda!" and you're looking around trying to find who's calling for you only to find out that they're calling for a DIFFERENT Amanda.
Let's say you had to pick a new one. What would it be?: I really don't know. I can't imagine me with a different name, can you? Maybe, maybe not. I am fond of the name Halley though, as most know
Are you a dude or a chick?: Chick
Do you like being whichever you are?: Well, I guess you kind of have to learn to like it cause it's not like you're about to just change genders...even if you get the surgery, I don't think it'd be the same. So yea, to answer your question, sure
I'm a girl. I like it enough, but it sucks sometimes.: That's awful to hear. Maybe therapy would help?
You got any crushes?: I always have crushes you nimwad
If you got to bang any celebrity you wanted to, who would it be?: That's such a wide range of people, but of course...uh...hm. That dude from "The Girl Next Door". Yeea..
Pick three friends you'd be stranded on a desert island with: Doesn't matter, we'd all get so annoyed of each other that we'd blow up eventually. But uh...yea. Doug, Amanda, Kaitlyn (That fit nicely)
On this island, if you could have 1 fastfood restuarant, what would it be?: A stranded island no one knows about, but in some amazing way there is a...fast food restuarant? Good-golly, would you look at that!
Do you smoke?: Nope
If so, what brand? (Newports are nasty.): I have a feeling a few people would gladly kill you for saying that missy
Do you party?: No...I was walking in the hall from P.E. one day and this girl walked by yelling "You're so invited to the party in my pants!"...I cracked up so much from the randomness.
What's the last party you went to?: The party in my pants
Was it any good?: Hell yea
Dr. Pepper or Root Beer?: Dr. Pepper
What was the last song to get caught in your head?: Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again from Phantom of the Opera (don't ask)
Do you like the show: The show is good
What Movie?: The Movie
What show is this from: The Show, duh
It's okay if you don't know, but you're very sheltered if you don't.: At least you're sensitive
Who's your favorite comedian?: Whoever comes up on Friday Night Stand-up on Comedy Central b/c I can't remember their names
If you could be exceptionally good at something, what would it be?: Any hobby whatsoever that could keep me occupied for hours even days on end
Give me a pickup line, any pick up line: Yea, hey, so I'm having a party in my pants, wanna come? 
Have you ever been to the circus?: Rodeo...
Do clowns frighten you?: They can
What is your opinion on mimes?: Patient creatures
What is one of your inside jokes that always makes you laugh?: Ummm.....Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...haha *snicker*
What's a stupid nickname one of your friends calls you?: Every single one, but I love them
Why do they call you that?: Because my name's so boring I guess
If you had to sleep with one of your friends, who would it be?: Just so you know Manders, you answer confused me so. But actually really, I have "slept" with all my best friends, so haha, I have you beat there now, don't I?
Who's overall the sexiest person alive?: I have been taught to always answer this question, "My mom". Especially now that she's going to be a grandma *sigh*
Is Johnny Depp hot, or what?: Not to me, but man, you should've heard what Brittany Barnes told Mrs. Beckham about Johnny Depp...let's just say that the word "threesome" was used, and then you use your imagination with it
What's your favorite Disney movie?: Oh wow...uh...Beauty and the Beast
What's your favorite SONG from a Disney movie?: I Won't Say (I'm in Love) from Hercules
What's your favorite restaurant?: Wendy's
What do you always order when you're there?: Big bacon classic
Do you have an online journal?: No doubt
What's the address, so everyone who reads this can read it too?: *sigh*
Who will play you in the movie of your life?: Me, for no one can be me but myself, I refuse to let anyone else be 
Who will play opposite you?: Opposite as in what?
What will be the genre of your movie? (Action, Drama, Musical...): Musical. Bethany told me that the other day actually. She said that if my life was to be a movie, it would be a muscial because I'm always breaking out in song. I contemplated this, and lo and behold, she's right
What's your favorite computer game?: The Sims 2
Would you say you have a life?: If you're living, then you have a life nimwad
What's the last movie you saw?: The Ballad of Jack and Rose 
Was it any good?: No...it was disturbing really. Father daughter "realtionship" if you catch my drift
Do you like movie theater popcorn?: It's rather soggy
Do you feel that the prices on popcorn are INSANE!?: ...I guess?
What's your favorite name for a kid?: Naming a kid after drugs or something would be funny.
Did you play with Legos growing up?: No, I played with Barbie...only Barbie, day in, day out
If you could have anything to eat right now, what would it be?: Hmm...good question
What time did you wake up this morning?: 12:30 pm
Were you depressed when you woke up?: I'm guessing so since I didn't really wanna get up 
What's more satisfying? Brushing your teeth or taking a shower?: Shower
Water or Milk?: Soda :)
How do you feel about bottled water?: It's a bottle filled with water. I call it bottle of water
Would you like to be rich and famous?: Nah
Would you like to be a supermodel?: No, I wouldn't
Do the hiccups suck?: Yes they do. And for some reason, every time I get out of the shower, I get the hiccups. o.O
When's the last time you went to church?: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...8, 9 months ago? I don't know, it's been a while
Can you sing?: I can, that doesn't mean it sounds good. I makes me feel good though
Will you go to the dance with me?: Sadly, I'm going to the dance with Kaitlyn and her boyfriend (tragic, I know). This is going to be awful
Would you ever get a ferret?: You should name him weiner dog
If you have ever had a fish, what was it's name?: Spotty I think. I don't remember.

Prelude .. just the basics
Name: Amanda
Age: Fifteen
Birthday: February 26, 1990
Today's date: September 4, 2005
School: Enterprise High School
Location: Enterprise, Alabama
Status: Single

Chapter One .. your past
Where were you born?: Savannah, Georgia
Who did you like in 1st grade? I think that was...Charles? I don't know
Where was your first school?: Fort Hood, Texas
Who was your first bf/gf?: Jamie
Where/When was your first kiss?: Here, while back
What was your first word?: Mommy
Who was the last friend you fought with?: Seriously, Amanda
What was the last thing you bought?: All American Rejects - Move Along CD
What was the last thing you regret?: Deciding to spray paint the bookcase instead of brush paint it

Chapter Two .. your present
What are you wearing?: Jeans, Linkin Park shirt
What are you watching?: T.V.'s behind me, go figure
What are you listening to?: 3 Doors Down - Hidden Track
What are you eating?: After taste of pizza
What are you drinking?: Water
What are you doing today?: Well, it's 9:38 at night, so uh...I didn't do anything earlier today if that's what you're asking
How does your hair look right now?: Messy ponytail
Are you talking to anyone right now?: Nope
If so who?: N/A
Who was the last person you talked to?: Mom
Who are you iming?: No ono
Whats your email and/or sn?: dustylover2008@yahoo.com

Chapter Three .. your future
Do you plan to go to college?: Yes
If so where?: Troy University or Auburn
What do you wanna be when you grow up?: Forsenic scientist, author....far-stretched, I know
Do you wanna get married?: Yes, I do (haha...I do)
Do you wanna have children?: Noooo
If so what would you name them?: Tristan, Ethan, Halley, Evan
Do you wanna be like your parents?: No where near my dad, but some certain characteristics of my mom
If not why?: My dad pushes religion down his kid's throats, so far as to bribe us into it. And my mom has her flaws as a mother, which I know every one does, and so will I if I become a mother
What age do you wanna have sex?: 69! whoot whoot. How the hell am I supposed to know?
What's the next school you will be attending?: Whichever college I attend, or if something happens, some other high school I guess
What are you doing next Friday?: Going to the football game
Wanna go out? lol jk..: Lol...=\

Chapter Four .. Favorites
Color: Purple
Food: Mashed potatoes
Song: Current...uh...man, I don't know
Movie: A Walk to Remember
Actress: Bethany Joy Lenz
Actor: Chad Michael Murray
Singer: Amy Lee
Rapper: Mike Shinoda
Band: Evanescence
Store: Hot Topic
Website: Neopets =D 
Car: Beetle
Fast Food Place: Wendy's
Cartoon: South Park

Chapter Five .. this or that
blue/green: Blue
plaid/striped: Plaid
polka dotted/glittery: Glittery
50 cent/eminem: Eminem
short/tall: Tall
cell phone/fax: Cell phone
printer/scanner: Printer
digital camera/camera fone: Digital camera
verizon/t-mobile: CINGULAR!
sprite/fanta: Dontcha wanna? *wink*
shorts/capris: Shorts
skirt/skort: Wow, I used to wear skorts all the time and I thought they were the best thing ever
bologna/salami: Salami
Notorious PIG/Big Pun: Ummmmmmmm...Notorious PIG, yea.
My Chemical Romance/Matchbook Romance: MCR, though Matchbook Romance has my liking also

Chapter Six .. school life
What school are you currently going to?: Enterprise High School
What grade are you in?: 10th - Sophomore
Do you like your school?: I hated it at first, but it grows on you. I still liked Dauphin much better though
How many students are in your school?: No clue, I had thought somewhere around 2500 or something..,
What are you doing at school at noon?: Doing geometry in Mr. Casey's class, or sleeping
Where did you go to kindergarten?: Duncan Elementary in Fort Hood
What was the name of your third grade teacher?: Mr. Harrod
Do you get in trouble at school?: Rarely
Are you a loser at school?: A'yeeeep
Are you well known?: Mostly only known by those I went to elementary school and junior high with...sort of on that
Do you get good grades?: To an extent. I'm off on a good start this year
Do you write notes during class?: Notes notes, or friend notes? Either way, only minimal

Chapter Seven.. friends
Who are your best friends?: Amanda, Doug, Kaitlyn
Who's your best friend of the opposite sex?: Doug
When was the last time you were on the fone with your best friend?: 'Bout 2 hours ago
When was your last fight?: Seriously, last December through January 26 precisely :)
Have you ever hid something from a friend?: A'yep
Have you ever lied to a friend?: Yep
Who are some of your other friends?: Too lazy to list at the moment

*sigh* Aaaanyway, have a good weekend? That's good. I didn't really have an eventful weekend, although things did happen, if that makes any sense. But yea.

You see, on Saturday, I was really bored. I read Flowers in the Attic most of the day, but eventually got to go Wal*Mart, and we did some baby shopping for Sarah, and I got 2 CDs, which was awesome. The All American Rejects isn't as bad as I used to think they were...at least their second album isn't all too bad. The Click Five is pretty sucky though, with only one good song, which I easily could've just downloaded, so that's 10 bucks down the drain.

After that, we came home, and I went to my room to read while Sarah and Mom stayed in the front room and chatted. A while later I heard Sarah come out of the bathroom screaming, "Oh my God! There's blood! Oh God, it's happening again!!" So yea, I was like, *scrambletripfallopendoor* "What?!" Sarah said she was bleeding, which you know, isn't good if you're pregnant; it's supposed to mean that you've had a miscarriage. Sarah was literally breaking down, screaming her lungs out about how she can't go through that for a third time. And I admit, I was scared. I mean, I know I'm always dissing Sarah and crap, but hell I'm closer to her than I am to my own brother. And she's had 2 miscarriages before, and I remember how awful that was for her. I honestly don't want her to go through that again.

Anyway, we called Dr. Heim and he said if it's gets worse then to come to him. So the whole family (Especially Dad, God) is kind of on the edge of their seats to see what happens. I actually cried over this. As much as I thought I would dread everything that's happening, my thoughts are changing. I'm nicer to Sarah if you can believe it. Of course, I still joke around, but we've always done that. I even helped her pick out a name if it's a boy. Ian Christopher. Spiffeh? I thought so.

OK, sappy...moving on.

Today was OK in all the madness. Pete and Sarah have decided to move into our old house on Holly Hill. So Dad headed over there to clean it up some after the renters who used to live there. After a while, I finished my book (very good...tied with This Lullaby if you believe it) and I started complaining about how bored I was. Mom said, "So go to the other house and help your Dad." I said, "Noo, I'm not walking there." She said, "So drive." I said, "o.O Really?" She said, "Yea, sure."

So yea, sweetness.

I drove the Camry all by my lonesome blaring the radio as loud as I wanted without anyone turning it down because its "distracting to the driver and dangerous" and I felt so happy. I swear I smiled the whole way. And yes, I'm a dork for this, but who cares. So I got to the house and Dad had a fit in knowing that I drove there by myself, but he still let me drive back. The renters also left two bookcases there, so I got to have one and Sarah the other. I got home and spray painted mine black and now it's drying. I don't know where I'll put it though...oh well.

Man, this is long. Sorry 'bout that.

Oh, and I don't know what music I have right now. It's some weird rap song on Doug's CD. It brings a hilarious memory though.

FOR EACH PERIOD: What class do you have, what teacher is it, do you like that teacher? And who do you sit near?

1 Block:
Class: 10th Wolrd History
Teacher: Mrs. Beckham
Teacher comments: Reminds me all too much about Kelly Rippa, says "cool beans" at least 20 times per class, can scream really loud when upset,  refuses to tuck her hair behind her ears even though it always falls in front of her face when she's reading, and she believes she's teaching us something with her "thoughts of the day", but in reality, we all already know those things, we just don't live by them
Who do you sit near in class: Brittany Barnes, Ryan, Chealsea Brown, Reagan Cooper, Brittany Davis, Katie Stokes

2 Block:
Class: Physical Education
Teacher: Coach Jones
Teacher comments: New teacher, probably in mid-20s, acts like us a lot, doesn't mind us goofing off some, loves to make us run up and down and up and down stairs, occasionally comes up and touches our stomachs to see if we're "getting hard", which yes I smiled at, but felt very uncomfortable with
Who do you sit near: Um, well in role seating: Daniel, Brittany Lair, Shante, Kineshia, Brittany Henderson (There's also 3 exhange students in this class. One French, one Japanese, and one from Hundoris ((I know, spelt wrong)))

3 Block:
Class: Geometry
Teacher: Mr. Casey
Teacher comments: Witty humor, rags on his student assistant all the time (Who happens to be his son), bangs his yard stick on the board all the time which once scared me so much I fell out of my desk,  teaches at EHS then at the Junior College after school, teaches well, sarcastic
Who do you sit near: Corinna, John, Parker Stinnet, Jessica Boyd, Dylan Lewis

4 Block:
Class: French I
Teacher: Madame Thomason 
Teacher comments:  Can occasionally be funny, starts talking in German sometimes to confuse us,  can speak many European languages, makes me go up to the board more often now that I told her I hate it =\
Who do you sit near: Josh Girvey, Nick Bowman, Etei, Kyle, Amber, and Calvin

So here's an interesting concept:

Today I drove to Wal*Mart with my mother to go grocery shopping. We passed by the Conaco station and there were cars all backed up trying to get gas for the price of $2.69. I looked over at my mom and mentioned that I'm getting kind of scared about all this and she just shook her head and said, "Swoop, the same thing happened in 1973. They told us, 'The World is running out of gas!' and look now. We still have gas, yet now they're trying to scare the next generation into believing we're running out." I contemplated it, but still didn't understand.

So we do some grocery shopping in Wal*Mart and after maybe an hour, and hour and a half, we start to head home. We pass by the same Conaco station, and there's only about 2 or 3 cars there now, but the price had risen to $3.09. Pah. And I remember when my parents complained about the gas prices getting over one buck a gallon. I don't know, hopefully this will blow over and cool down, but unfortunately I don't see that happening. I guess the only reason I mentioned the whole gas thing is because it's giving my parents yet another reason to be arguing. Like I said, they need to just get a divorce. I'm starting to really not mind anymore if Mom leaves here without me. She thinks she's doing the right thing right now because I "seem happier"....She has no clue.

Oh well.

On a happier note:

So I've been grounded all weekend, so yea, nothing happened, nothing to report. I have read a few books though:

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid: Urban Legends (I had heard just about every legend in there unfortunately)
Sticky Fingers (Pretty good...one of those books without a happy ending, which I like because it keeps you thinking about it)
Jake, Reinvented (Didn't make much sense, but oh well)
Flowers in the Attic (I just started this like, half an hour ago, so I don't know. But like my mom said, it's "disturbing" enough so far)

I am going to Books-A-Million next Saturday. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessss.

Anyway...Amanda said the football game was loads of fun, which is good. I was afraid she wouldn't like it and then band would just...well, suck.

I also played a lot of Neopets over the weekend...got lots of neopoints. Now I'm a rich little neopian. I know, you love all the neo- crap.

I have American History homework, but I shall do it tomorrow morning before 1st block. For now, au revoir, a demain.

She's mocking me.

I was crying, and she mocked me. Made fun of me. Made no attempt whatsoever to even make me feel better.

All she did was go, "Whaaaaa, I'm a little baby, whaaaaaa."

I hope she knows I'm her baby. Isn't she the one that always said, "No matter how old you get, you'll always be my baby."? I believe she did.

What she says now is, "I don't care how awful your life is right now, I've already made up my mind on how to make it worse."

All I asked was for her to tell me she loves me. And that's what I got.

I'm so sick of crying and yelling, and doing things I already regret, but she's keeping me from anybody who can make me stop. I dialed a number because I needed something to stop me, but she wouldn't allow. So I did it. You never stop, just like I was told.